Thursday, June 21, 2007

My Life Right Now

Oh, I try to be optimistic. I try to be hopeful. But things aren't really looking good. I still haven't found a job yet. I am probably going to start at UPS soon, but I haven't heard word from them when I start. I have had some job interviews, that's good, but I thought I might get this job at a place in Secaucus. At first I didn't think the job would be good, but the interview went well. However, they said they let me know by Monday and I haven't heard from them. In cases like this, no news is never good news. I've also had two job interviews in graphic design related jobs that i might as well not shown up for. My work didn't suit their purposes. It annoys me the fact they did not check my online portfolio. I submit on average twenty applications online a week, most are jobs I know I can do and half are jobs I'm suited for, so it annoys me when the ones who take the trouble to interview me are ones I'm not suited for.

I don't want to work in restaurants anymore. I'm convinced my loathing of my last job might have ruined my relationship with Scangirl. It certainly ruined my reputation as an easy going guy. HA! Anyway, I am hoping at least to work at UPS, it will allow for me to keep a consistent work run.

On Friday, I had let my landlord know that I'm moving out of the apartment I'm living in. I like this apartment and I had wanted to stay here with Scangirl until I was able to get a good job in the graphic arts field or at least get a good job not related to restaurants. Then we would move on, as a married couple. I can't afford to live here on my own and I was required to sign a new annual lease, no month to month option. It required a 45 day notice on my decision and the deadline was Friday. On Saturday I ran into the caretaker, and he was sad and surprised I was moving out. I wish I could stay but the only option to stay would have been if I had gotten this great job nearby where I had an interview a year ago, whose art director was a former boss of a good friend of mine. I guess my name dropping skills are lacking. I have a little over a month to figure out where I'm moving next. It would be nice to have a good job right now to let me know the locale of the place I'll next move to.

I still can't get over the loss of Scangirl. I am so angry with her. I am assuming the worst in regards to her being with another man. She has stated several times she's not, but her definite protests suggest otherwise. Besides, I want to know definitely that she is not worthy of me and not what she wants me to believe, which is that she is having a hard time getting over the death of the relationship. Anyway, I can't stop reliving the recent pre-breakup past in some desperate hope in that the relationship can be renewed. It makes me feel pathetic and weak. I get thoughts of revenge sometimes, but the best revenge is success, right now I can't achieve revenge. I realize that I am one of life's losers. I knew by my mid twenties I wasn't going to be one of life's winners but I thought that my thirties would have me in a position to not be life's loser but I'm forty and time is running out in avoiding the fall into the pit of life's losers.

Anyway I'm venting. Living in squalor, trying hard to find something real to look forward to, I have hope but my hope for things in the past has led me here, and let me tell you, if I had known I would be in this situation two years ago, I would not have left Seattle. If I knew I would be in this situation twenty years ago..... I don't really want to think about that.

I wish the Mets would start winning consistently already. I need something to distract me. I can't watch the team much these days, because it looks like they don't want to win.

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