I Wish I Could Have A Good Cry

So, Scangirl has officially left the apartment we shared for the last 9+ months. It wasn't an easy existence but one that I thought was easily within reach of working out well, Scangirl thought otherwise. I can go on and on about how it ended and whose fault it was but this is a public blog so I'll keep it to a minimum.

However, there is one thing I regret about myself, I have a hard time crying. I get sad, melancholy, and wistful. I also get angry, spiteful, sarcastic, defensive and on rare occasions, throw tantrums. But cry? I don't know if I can.

When Scangirl announced she was leaving me, She cried a pool of tears that came out as easily as milk from a dropped glass. women are good at that. But I'm a man, a sensitive man, but a man who doesn't know how to cry at appropriate times, a good wailing is not unmanly and I REALLY wish I could wail out in despair over this situation but instead the anger part, the shame part, the ego part takes over and I ruin any possibility for reconciliation. A good cry might give me hope.

I remember a time I could give out a good cry. On May 5, 1980, My sister Deirdre died. I was just a kid, but I was old enough to where crying was unacceptable for a male, but boy did I wail in despair that day and the days that followed. I was numb, devastated, and practically inconsolable but the cry release was cathartic . You see, I'm reminded of Deirdre every year at Cinco De Mayo which was yesterday. A Day of celebration becomes a reminder of the worst day of my life. When I have deep thoughts of my sister, I come close to shedding a tear. Water does well up in my eyes, but not enough to fall down my face.

I'm feeling sorry for myself these days and I just want to have a good cry, a good weeping. I just wish I could.

Sorry

For those of you expecting to see more work from me, it may take a while. My head is not straight. I have a hard time functioning in situations as stated before. It may happen soon, but I must give you a warning.

I Think I Made A BIG Mistake

I have been trying to get my life together with very little success for the last few years. I moved back to the east coast in hopes to get a career starting job in graphic arts, no success, but at least I had scangirl with me. Now, it looks like that's over. She wants to leave, I still have a little hope, but it looks like it's over, so now I am seeking a reason to continue to live out here, but I can't at the moment, I'm stuck in a job I hate, no friends nearby, and now no scangirl. Hopefully, things will work out in the end, but the way things have been going for me the last few years, it's hard to be optimistic. I have family, but I've been enough of a burden on them and my friends who are out here.


Sorry to be a drag.....

Sorry About The Sameness

So, I've been trying to get Pipe Dreams syndicated for a long time, even before I got a computer. I had hand drawn my strips for years and had only used the computer to touch up the artwork and print up the pages.

The closest to copying panels came about by using the same sketch to draw repetitive drawings. I would hand draw each panel based on the sketch to give it a "real" feel. Recently I have been using Flash to "ink" my artwork based on hand drawn sketches.

A friend of mine suggested I have a library of spot drawings to paste on my strips for quickness.

I have resisted because I DO think it's cheating, however, with this blog I have wanted to do more topical strips and found that the guys sitting on a couch watching TV is a good template to use in response to current events as close to when they happened. It was a "eureka" moment, so I have been testing it, in reference to the awful events of Monday. I may use it in the future if I have a good Commentary but I don't have the time to whip up original drawings. Anyway, here's a third comic strip based on what people are talking about in the aftermath. In two weeks expect to be bludgeoned by the Dirk point of view of the cartoon when Mallard Fillmore does his take on the events of VA Tech University.

Scan's Corner Deadpool?

Richard Jeni has died, apparently he killed himself. He was a solid stand up comedian. He wasn't my favorite comedian but at a very low point in my life he might have saved my life.

A bit melodramatic?

Perhaps. I'll explain.

Several years ago, I was engaged to a woman I had lived with for 5 years. We were set to get married a year later. However she had something else up her sleeve. She broke up with me a day after a disasterous party we went to. She gave vague reasons why she wanted out of the relationship at the time, but I soon learned that she was cheating on me with a co-worker. She would marry him a year later.

Anyway, I was devastated the relationship ended.
Furious at the fact she cheated on me.
Ashamed at what I did at the party.
Embarrassed at the fact everyone at the party knew the relationship was going on without my knowing about it.
Helpless in the fact I was trapped in a low paying job I didn't like in a town of Federal Way, a town I hated.
Lonely, because every friend I had at the time were ones I knew through my relationship, and I couldn't bear to face these people.

I was messed up in my mind. I worked in a restaurant doing the day shift in the back which allowed me a lot of contemplation. Part of my prepping involved chopping up romaine with sharp knives.
Very sharp knives.
I definitely had thoughts of putting the knives to use on something other than the lettuce. It was that bad.

Anyway, I had a radio to listen to. At the time I listened to the Bob Rivers Show. I likened it to a Seattle take on the Howard Stern show. Funny but mellower and more polite. I listened to it daily and for the most part it was pleasant but one day they had a guest, his name was Richard Jeni. Now I knew Richard Jeni from a UPN show Platypus Man. I didn't like the show, and thought it wasn't funny. So I was surprised that I was laughing my ass off at his routine on the radio show. It was the first time I laughed in weeks. I needed that really bad, as the highlight of my days at that point was work, and I hated my job.

I don't remember specifics on Richard Jeni's routine, but I remember it being smart, silly, and relentless. It kept my spirits up just enough for me to move on with my life. It took some time, but anytime I saw Richard Jeni on TV I would watch and I would laugh. I saw him once at a comedy club a few years later when I was living in Seattle, a city I loved.

I'm shocked at the way he apparently died. He saved my life, why did he take his own? It's an unfortunate side effect to being a comedian. A lot of comedians are depressed and self destructive. I didn't know Richard Jeni was one of them.

Rest In Peace Funnyman

The Cartoon No One Wanted To Touch

About ten years ago I had worked for a weekly newspaper called the Seattle Scroll. I had a featured cartoon printed in every issue. I had a very supportive editor in Matt Asher. He allowed me as much freedom as any cartoonist could hope for. I made jokes about the celebrity of Jesus, the mob, and firing squads. This was one he did not want to print. He chuckled but felt that the cartoon was not right. Now Matt was a Ayn Rand disciple, which meant he wasn't a prude or a censor. But I think he might have been worried about a possible lawsuit by a huge corporation and the Seattle Scroll was a bit on the fledging side so I respected his wish and made another Jesus joke.

Me, I thought the joke was a good pun, but a bit anachronistic. I was into reading old New Yorker cartoons and they had many jokes about the KKK. Still, I couldn't let the joke die. A few years later my pal, Al Nickerson was putting out the comic, the ARGGH!!! Chronicles, in which he wanted a few contributions from his friends including me. I offered a few Pipe Dreams cartoons and other cartoons. I included some others including the KKKMart strip. He politely told me that he and others thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. I think they were afraid of the possible racism in the gag.

I thought about this strip recently and found it when I was cleaning up my room today. So here it is in its black and white glory on a blog no one reads is the infamous cartoon.















In retrospect, I should have included more sign gags.

Seperated At Birth?

Mike Love circa 1969 Scanman circa 2007

I've Had Better Birthdays

Working on my birthday is nothing new. Still, I was hoping it would be better. I was bummed that the Simpsons weren't on, after all the first regular episode of the Simpsons premiered on my 23rd birthday.

I was bummed that the Seahawks lost in overtime, they looked like they were gonna pull an upset.

Then the shocker, About an hour after I got into work, a co-worker of mine had died at home. Actually Jessica had stopped working about a month after I started, She had a cast on her leg, and she was quite a go getter despite it, she was no "little miss helpless". Apparently, she had diabetes and at one point had slipped into a diabetic coma. I wasn't sure how bad it was, and I wasn't sure whether she was to return to her workplace.

Anyway, she popped in on Tuesday, I was in one of the worst moods in a tremendously long time. She still had the cast on her leg but also now had a sling on her arm. I felt really bad for her and yet she brightened my mood. I hoped that she was getting better.

I guess I was wrong.

The workplace was dreary after that. Most of the servers were good friends with her and their mood reflected it.

Like I said, I've had better birthdays.

Today Life Begins...

...because today I turn 40. God, I knew I would see this day but man am I disappointed in how things have gone in my life and in America, especially in New Jersey since I first speculated about the future. The idea that an idiot like George W would be president not one term but two! The fact that cars do not get 70 mpg, while having the power of a truck, speaking of which, what the hell happened to humanity that they would favor SUVs and trucks? Do we want to be tagged as ignorant. Probably, because that was the electorate's gripe about Al Gore, and John Kerry. Too smart, we would rather have a beer with an alcoholic who challenges his dad to fight mano y mano.

And, innovations? I thought housing would be more centrally planned. A town center with housing and commerce for all the people, near public transportation. The onle places that come close are wildly expensive high rises. McMansions continue to be built and still lack any kind of charm or appeal. Traffic getting worse, highways still ugly, charmless box stores replacing equally charmless malls. Even Manhattan is starting to look like a mall, having less reason to visit.

Sigh! Anyway here's a new cartoon!



Enjoy!

15 Coffees and Newspapers

One of the trends of recent Christmases I've enjoyed is receiving gift cards. One reason is if you are stuck for Christmas gifts and it's Christmas eve and you haven't given anyone a gift yet. What to do? Shopping is a chore! Thank God for 24/7 places like 7-Eleven. You can get gift cards there! The variety of merchants available to buy gift cards of ranges from Home Depot, Bed, Bath and Beyond, I-Tunes and 7-Eleven itself. The people receiving the gifts don't know you didn't put much thought into the gifts unless they are utterly clueless on where you shop.

I got two gift cards from 7-Eleven as gifts because my daily routine starts with a large cup of coffee and a newspaper. Scangirl makes me out to be a simpleton when it comes to my interests. "He likes coffee and newspapers" Well, I have taken advantage of the card but I found out one thing you can't buy with a 7-Eleven gift card, another gift card. I sought out an I-Tunes card that I could easily afford with my 7-Eleven card only to find out it doesn't allow for that to happen I was bummed by this because I was in a music buying frenzy. I was also bummed out because I wanted to do a cartoon gag about that scenario.

Oh well, coffee and newspapers for the next two weeks I don't have to pay for!

Gerald Ford? I Never Voted For Him

We will see flags at half staff for the next month in honor of former president Gerald Ford who died at the age of 93. Every president gets this honor even an accidental one like Gerald Ford. He of course is best known for pardoning Richard Nixon and for being president without one person in America exercising their right to vote him there. I remember when Nixon resigned in 1974. Of course I didn't understand why at the time. He lived to be the oldest president to ever live, taking that crown away from Ronald Reagan. He seemed like a decent guy, but in 1976, when I was 9, I did not vote for him.

Wait! 9? You can't vote at 9!

Well, back when I was in 4th grade the 1976 election was in full swing. So, our class decide to have a mock secret election on the presidential race between Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. I had no grasp on politics at the time, I just wanted to vote who I thought was nicer and more charismatic and believe it or not, that man was Jimmy Carter.

I was a bit odd, and I did not want to be at the time. I wanted to conform but I thought I did not have to change much to do so. So, I thought when I dropped my paper ballot in the box I would have been in the majority voting for Jimmy Carter. Well the count came in and in a classroom of 24, Jimmy Carter got two votes.

Two Votes! I was devastated! This was like voting against Castro in Cuba. Only two people in the classroom felt the way I did? Who else was that weird? Well, it turned out no one. Class clown Gary thought it was a hoot to waste his vote on Jimmy Carter.
He got laughs from every one in the classroom for it. If anyone had noticed me in the back, they would see that I was not laughing. I really thought Jimmy Carter was the better man. Thank god for closed ballots!

A few weeks later Jimmy Carter won for real and I wish I can tell you I felt vindicated, but alas, I felt peer pressured into keeping it to myself.

I felt a similar loneliness in the coming years when as a Mets fan I had to endure taunts by my classmates when the Yankees were winning World Series in the late 70's. By the time the Mets won in 1986, I was in college and had to defend myself to charges I was a fly by night Mets fans to new friends, a few who actually thought Jimmy Carter was an all right guy.

So was Gerald Ford, certainly better than what we have now in the White House.

Post Christmas Bliss

It is the day after Christmas and I went out to check out the scene, man. The recent trends of giving away gift cards allows for the opportunity of getting Christmas gifts to continue for weeks on end. The double whammy is that with the post holiday sales it makes your money go further.

This reminds me of the best Christmas I had when I was a kid. After getting a cool Star Trek Enterprise toy with various action figures I was able to complete my collection of dolls the next day with my aunt. Not only was I ecstatic, but I would play with that set constantly for years to come....

Dad? What's A CD?

I remember when the compact disk came out in the early 80's. I was fascinated by the fact that you can that you can just flip to the songs you want on an album without waiting and that you can shuffle the songs to get a new perspective on a familiar album. I couldn't imagine any significant advancement at the time that would displace CDs as the dominant form of music purchasing. That was before the advent of the Ipod and other MP3 players.

Ever since I bought my most recent computer, I have barely played my CD player. I am never in the forefront of technology. I believe in waiting out to see if or what will dominate the marketplace before I jump in. In 1984 the marketplace had determined VHS format of videotaping was the way to go in recording television shows and watching movies at home. 1990 was the year I finally got a CD player when prices for them were affordable to a cheap bastard as myself. 1 got my first DVD in 2003 when they got cheap and more so because the VHS format was all but extinct.

So, when I got my Mac I took advantage of the ITunes program and installed music from my favorite Cds. The sound from my computer is quite good so I used it as my primary source of listening. I have bought music from the ITunes web site on occasion and ahem! have gone to the library to "borrow" Cds that had songs I haven't had in my possession since my cassette days. I have taken advantage of other peoples collection of songs and installed it in my computer. Basically this means I have not bought a CD since 2004. Until the other day.

It's Christmas time and that means Scangirl likes to go shopping and I get to tag along. Scangirl has been influential in my going shopping for Christmas presents in her absence. That means going to stores that play Christmas music (Funny how the "War On Christmas" hasn't stopped that practice). My local K-Mart plays the pop standards. One dandy chestnut they play is "Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You" by Billy Squier. It's a fun mid tempo rocker that features background vocals from the early MTV crew in the video. This reminded me how much I loved Billy Squier in the early 80's. After watching his videos on YouTube I got obsessed with him to the point of adding his music to my collection.

So I went to ITunes to purchase music only to find I needed to install an advanced version of ITunes to go further. I hate having to do that because half the time I install programs from the internet I can't figure out how to make it work on my computer. Well, I tried to do this only to find my computer wasn't advanced enough to install it.

What?!!!!!!? I bought the computer in 2005! It hasn't been 18 months yet! How can my Mac computer not be advanced enough to install songs from Mac's own ITunes yet I could install songs on a PC with Windows 2000! 2000! That's before Bush! How can they be so cruel to Mac users.

But I digress...

So my obsession continues with Billy Squier. I had to get his music. Only one thing to do, buy his CD.

I knew there was a collection out there, heck I've seen it in grocery stores. I finally decided to buy it at fye. I found a collection of ten of his songs in which I liked nine for $6.99. A better price then ITunes. It was weird buying a CD. It seemed so archaic. I looked at it like a person who still buys vinyl records, like I'm looking at an icon of a previous generation.

So, in keeping with my current tradition of listening to songs on my computer, I immediately installed the songs and played my "Party Shuffle" with the "Least Recently Played" as my source category.

To make a long story longer I grooved on Billy Squier classics like "The Stroke" My Kinda Lover" and "Everybody Wants You". Alas no "Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You" and it just came to my attention as I'm writing this that the so called "Best of Billy Squier" doesn't have "Lonely Is The Night" Yikes! A quick look online at other various compilations over the years doesn't have "Lonely Is The Night" either. How did I miss this?

Sigh! It will be a while before I buy another bargain CD.

Is Anyone Out There? I'm Begging

Only Two States...

Funny enough, the state I grew up in (New Jersey) and the state next to Washington where I lived for 14 years (Oregon) are the only states where you'll run into this situation

How Many People Qualify As Disabled Anyway?

My main mode of transportation is a bicycle. I live in an apartment and when I first moved in, I brought my bike inside the apartment until I saw that many tenants had tied up their bikes in the "breezeway" under a set of stairs.

Our apartment door is right next to these set of stairs and seeing that many rules in the apartment are violated by many tenants, I decided that tying my bike outside my door wasn't in the way of anyone else. It was a perfect place. It was out of my apartment, wasn't in anyone else's way and was protected from the elements. Anyway, Someone else, who did not live in the immediate vicinity had their bike tied up under the same stairs.

Well, a month ago, we got a certified letter with a new emphasis on the rules of the apartment building. They mentioned bike was not allowed to be in the breezeway and about how most of the bikes were abandoned and any bike left outside would be removed.

So, I moved my bike indoors to avoid trouble but I saw that the other person whose bike is outside OUR door had theirs still out there. No big deal until I read a note I thought was from the apartment managers. It was from the tenant from apartment I-7, saying that the bike owner was disabled and to not remove it.

What?!

Give me a break! How disabled can you be if you can ride a bicycle? Oh, I might add that I-7 is on the SECOND floor. No alternative means of getting up there without walking up a set of stairs. I-7 is also a 2 bedroom apartment meaning that there almost has to be someone else up there who can bring the bike upstairs for the time being. The rider in question does not ride the bike much anyway. I've only seen it removed once in the four months I've lived there. It usually just sits there covered in a tarp like a sportscar.

I know I sound insensitive but most people cannot acccept the truth sometimes and they say they're disabled in any situation that would help get what they want. It's the same thing when people say they're allergic to some foods when really, they just don't like it.


Be true to yourself.

Enjoying the Strips?

Let me know by responding to the blog entries. Here's a new one...

Joe Girardi? Joe Girardi?

I'm pissed! Joe Girardi winning manager of the year? With a losing record? A record that was FIVE games worse than the year before? The first losing season for the Marlins since 2002? What the hell?

How do you deny Willie Randolph of the Mets? He improved the Mets by 14 games! He had to juggle 13 starters without a bonafide ace to get the best record in all of baseball! They were the only team to do well in the National league!

I know that Girardi had to juggle a bunch of rookies but they had three winning seasons before he came to the team, they had only one winning season previous in their whole history. How does he get Manager of the year when he got fired? Ahhhhhhh, life ain't fair!

This reminds me of 1988, when the Dodgers got all the awards I felt should have gone to the Mets. Look at David Cone's record compared to Orel Hersheiser's in the Cy Young Award race., Even though Orel had the consecutive shutout inning streak and more wins, Cone had a better winning pct. and much more strikeouts and ironically a better ERA and he wasn't even close in the voting. Third place no less! And look at Kirk Gibson's stats compared to Darryl Strawberry's in the MVP race. Much more home runs, and more RBIs. Ugh!

Anyway, No Mets manager has won Manager of the Year and this is at least the third time they deserved to.

No World Series either.

Sob!

I thought I'd never see...

It was cold the other night as I was riding my bike home from work. Not that cold, mind you, but really cold in what I saw that night. People were playing softball under November lights! I know that baseball is America's past time along with apple pie and Chevrolet but this is an astounding to me. I also saw a father play catch with his son all decked out in late fall clothes today. In November! After the World Series!

Still, When I was growing up and I wanted to get together to play baseball, I would have a hard time encouraging my peers to play if it was after August. Once Football came upon the horizon, None were interested in playing America's pastime. So, I am encouraged at the prospect of playing pick up softball sometime next year in the area. I guess I'll try to find an "over 40" league now that I'll BE over 40 next year.

Hulk vs. Godzilla

I'm watching a commercial that talks about the virtues of a high quality picture screen for Philips electronics when I noticed that it featured the Incredible Hulk from the movie of a few years back. I thought it was strange, because the movie didn't do all that well and I haven't heard anything about a sequel being made. Were they talking about the picture quality being soooo great that you can easily spot the fakeness of the computer generated monster? I dunno, it just seemed weird to feature a character from a movie that really wasn't iconic enough to make people forget Lou Ferrigno.

The weird thing is that this is the second time in recent months that a commercial featured a computer generated representation of a character that is better remembered as a man in costume. A Doritos ad recently featured Godzilla. No, not the Japanese icon we all love but the "edgy" size matters 90's version that no one really cared for. That movie came out 8 years ago and no sequel is on the horizon. If he was an actor I would assume he needed the work but who is it now that needs the work? The CGI company?

I guess these commercials seem strange to me is because usually these type of commercials have a synergy aspect to it. They usually are there to hype an oncoming movie and the various tie ins. I got used to this schtick. I guess I should be glad that in both cases it is limited to one commercial but the cynic in me is wondering what is really being sold to the consumer.