Sunday, May 06, 2007

I Wish I Could Have A Good Cry

So, Scangirl has officially left the apartment we shared for the last 9+ months. It wasn't an easy existence but one that I thought was easily within reach of working out well, Scangirl thought otherwise. I can go on and on about how it ended and whose fault it was but this is a public blog so I'll keep it to a minimum.

However, there is one thing I regret about myself, I have a hard time crying. I get sad, melancholy, and wistful. I also get angry, spiteful, sarcastic, defensive and on rare occasions, throw tantrums. But cry? I don't know if I can.

When Scangirl announced she was leaving me, She cried a pool of tears that came out as easily as milk from a dropped glass. women are good at that. But I'm a man, a sensitive man, but a man who doesn't know how to cry at appropriate times, a good wailing is not unmanly and I REALLY wish I could wail out in despair over this situation but instead the anger part, the shame part, the ego part takes over and I ruin any possibility for reconciliation. A good cry might give me hope.

I remember a time I could give out a good cry. On May 5, 1980, My sister Deirdre died. I was just a kid, but I was old enough to where crying was unacceptable for a male, but boy did I wail in despair that day and the days that followed. I was numb, devastated, and practically inconsolable but the cry release was cathartic . You see, I'm reminded of Deirdre every year at Cinco De Mayo which was yesterday. A Day of celebration becomes a reminder of the worst day of my life. When I have deep thoughts of my sister, I come close to shedding a tear. Water does well up in my eyes, but not enough to fall down my face.

I'm feeling sorry for myself these days and I just want to have a good cry, a good weeping. I just wish I could.

7 comments:

AlNickerson said...

I’m sorry you have to go through so much pain, buddy. Breaking up hurts plenty. But, this might be a good thing. This might be the beginning of a whole new life for you. I’m praying for you, Scan.

Steve Pro said...

Scan Man, this is from the bottom of my heart, I love ya man. I hurt when my friends hurt, but never forget even though we're not always in the same state I am alway's thinking of you and my other "brothers". When one relationship ends something new will blossom, it alway's does. Peace Brother.

Steve Pro said...

Scan Man, this is from the bottom of my heart, I love ya man. I hurt when my friends hurt, but never forget even though we're not always in the same state I am alway's thinking of you and my other "brothers". When one relationship ends something new will blossom, it alway's does. Peace Brother.

-Pro

Steve Pro said...

PS.
Thanks for the last set of "Pipe Dreams". I really enjoyed them.

Be well

AlNickerson said...

Hey Scan! Joey B wanted me to forward this message to you:

"Scan- being an old bastard, I've been  through the wringer a few times and nursed friends who've been through break-ups as well. There is only one truthful reality to breakups, but unfortunately, it's the last thing the person involved wants to hear and is capable of hearing. It's this: the ONLY remedy is Time. Eventually, the pain lessens. Eventually, you'll meet someone else. Eventually, you'll be able to look at the breakup objectively and learn from it. Other than that, it just plain sucks.  Like a physical wound, it'll heal up but sometimes there's a scar as a reminder - which has its positive and negative sides. Hang in there."

Scanman said...

Joe is right about the remedy, Time, I never will dispute that logic, it's the frustration of what to do in the meantime that makes it hard. anyway, enjoy the new cartoon about rain.

slijleong said...

It's always going to be rough breaking up, Scan. So sorry this happened, life moves on and the pieces will slowly pick up again. Don't feel guilty about not being able to cry, sometimes it's just not there, and if you miss the moment it's gone.